"Ah, the burden of a live and thriving conscience"

Gee, Peter, its been a while...That it has. As I've tried to rid the "here's what happened today" style from my writing arsenal, I intend not for this to be an 'update' entry, but rather a post describing, vividly, my seemingly unique and unprecedented mindset this past few weeks. Truth be told, I found myself significantly distracted in that time, for a number of reasons - generally speaking, the most silly and teenage-boy-driven ridiculous reasons at that - but, they were distractions that I had to deal with nonetheless. Someday, I will write about my evolving thoughts on dating, courtship, marriage, and the like, but that will not be today. Hopefully, though, you can understand that I was relatively enamoured by a wonderful girl and had to deal with those strong emotions regardless of the fact that dating/going out is simply out of the question at my current stage of life. As I tend to be a clear communicator, the fact that I just plainly *could not* communicate [for complicated reasons not to be discussed here] these feelings to this person, made life difficult. So there I was, hanging out with a bunch of great people, but frustrated with my situation and my goal of handling it in the most mature, responsible, and sensible way possible. As my mental rollercoaster proceeded, I communicated my circumstances to several close friends, siblings, and parents, and felt somewhat more relieved. Laurel, bless her heart, recognized what the heart of my issue was [no pun intended] and that is, "ah, the burden of a live thriving conscience." It truly is a burden. I suppose I *could* be like the typically high-school/college-aged guy and pursue women like they're candy, hardly respect their own emotionally stability as I only monitor mine, never clearly communicate anything and only leave them guessing, questionable, concerned, etc.. - but, I can't. It's seriously, not possible for me to do anything stupid like that. If I ever contemplate it [which hardly happens in its own regard], my reasoning and thought process quickly eliminates the thought. It's great, but it is a burden, and its a burden which I'm proud to undertake.

So, a number of things have been gracing my mind lately, that being the most significant. Now, fast forward to now [December 2nd] and allow me to share my current stance. I would like to say that my feelings have, for the most part, passed for this girl. Honestly, its a combination of the factors of, "well, we don't get along super great anymore, I'm about 2nd [or maybe even third nowadays] in line, I found the need to start focusing more on music and academics, and would I really find it suiting to potentially ruin a friendship and cause tension within the setting of our group of friends?" No. I realize these sound initally negative and depressing, but its the conclusion I've reached. Sure, affirmation would've been great, had she just said, "You know Peter, I'm not interested in dating at all this year, but in the future, I could definately see you as a likely guy..." or whatever she might say, then I'd have been encouraged and thrilled. But, this is college, so I'm going to be an adult and move past the silly emotional phase.

In a way, I think the burden has lessened - I've felt more at ease this week [which is good, I had a ton of homework], my acne has seemed to be letting up, and I'm just more of a comfortable person. Are this gal and I still friends? absolutely - nothing has happened to cause us to sever our friendship, for which I'm grateful. Many, many times I was tempted to just. tell. her. But, I'm glad I persevered and waited for the feeling to pass rather than acting on the ephemeral emotional impetus.

So, thank you everybody who dealt with me as I dealt with my frustration. I know, at times, I wasn't the most pleasant person meandering about, but...patience wins in this case, so thanks.
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Now, onto less male-mind intensive things. I've totally been into PANDORA recently. I know I've mentioned it before on this blog, but I seriously recommend everybody try it, and find some new, awesome music that you didn't know existed. I've discovered so many great musicians [not big namers, either] on this site that I really, really enjoy. To name a few: Gabe Dixon Band, Beazly Phillips Band, Daniel Powter, some Ben Folds songs that I hadn't heard before, AJ Croce, Ben Graves, the Cat Empire, and more!

I visited St. Louis last weekend for Thanksgiving, it was pleasant. I've had this misgiving in my mind for quite sometime that, if I go to a gathering where many of my high school peers are, that everyone in attendence will simply revert back to their old high-school selves. I believe I am so much past my high school experience, and really do not wish to revert to it, ever. Over break I saw some old friends, of course, but never did a big group thing [I did get invited to one though, so I suppose that's something]. One-on-one hanging out, or small group gatherings of friends who I know are different, more developed individuals would be totally fine and groovy with me, so I hope to take advantage of some of those over my long break. Whoo hoo.

My keyboarding professor finally said that I don't have to come to any more classes. I believe I will be taking private piano lessons next semester, too which is a great plus.

Well, I wrote a less-than-thrilling paper, and am meeting with my writing advisor shortly. Hopefully, we'll peacefully come to a way to improve it. Thanks for reading!

Here's a sight I was grateful of to enjoy yesterday.